My Depression

Disclaimer: Trigger warning. Please read with caution.

It was 4 o’clock in the afternoon. I’m already tired for working since 4 am, doing chores, and taking care of the children in between. I was in a middle of something when my eldest started bothering me to do something for him. Out of the blue I just blurted out “I want to die”! Tears came running down my face when I face back my computer to work. That night, I had a vision of hanging myself. The next day, a similar thing happened but I didn’t shout, I just cried in front of my laptop staring at it with an empty and hopeless heart. At this point, I already knew that I needed help – something, someone. But he/she needs to be more than just a friend because I don’t need to just rant – I need real help.

I reached out to my boss, who is also a Christian. I know by personal experience, that she’s one who can be trusted because even before being her direct report, we already shared some non-work fellowship. I might have been unconsciously in this state for so long but I’ve never really reached out for help because I don’t want to be judged and be a burden (especially during this time when everyone is facing battles of their own). However, I find that having suicidal thoughts is absurd and at the same time, scary. I don’t want to die and to be clear, I didn’t consciously thought of the idea. It just popped out of my mind probably after severe exhaustion. Thinking of death or hurting myself didn’t happen once, it happened on several occasions (especially during the quarantine) only with different graphic images – e.g. stabbing my arms with a needle.

Belle, who is my boss, first validated my feelings before helping me explore several options. She is a godsend for just being there and helping me get help. She didn’t judge me and I really appreciate her doing that. Our options that time were reaching out to HR and to a Psychiatrist. I chose option 2 but we also made sure that HR is aware so they can extend whatever help is available on a corporate standpoint.

DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT

I was both anxious and excited for my appointment. I was anxious because I know that when I take this path, there is no turning back. Aside from the high professional fees, I am anxious for whatever the diagnosis will be. I am excited because I can finally know what’s going on with me and I can finally be treated accordingly. Someone who knows better than me can help me go through the process with a high success rate. I thought of this as an investment for myself and a help from God.

WHAT’S GOING ON IN MY MIND

A day before my appointment, I tried my best to organize my thoughts by writing them down so I can maximize my time with my doctor because it is not cheap. Anyway, these were my thoughts that time:

• I struggled so hard to keep up with work, chores, parenting and marriage. It feels like I’m all over the places but is not really there.
• I hated being touched. It made me anxious. I cannot respond well to my husband emotionally and physically.
• I hated myself (self-loathing) for being (or feeling like) a failure to my children, my job, my husband and myself.
• I had a lot of unexplainable body pains that wasn’t there before: headaches, back pain, irregular periods etc.
• I felt like there’s a lump in my throat that never goes away. My back was always hunched and I can’t seem to find the energy to do things that I used to enjoy.
• I was afraid to sleep because I worry that I might not be able to finish my tasks.
• Though I smile on photos, I was always sad & worried deep within. It is true that depression has no face.
• I had suicidal thoughts.

I didn’t give the doctor a hard time figuring out what was wrong with me. After telling all of my struggles, I was then diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I was prescribed with 2 medications – Vortioxetine and Aripiprazole that I have to take for 6 months. I felt happy and sad at the same time – happy because finally I am getting help, sad because I would need to go through this especially that the medications have a lot of side effects.

FIRST 2 WEEKS

They say that when you take anti-depressants, you first get worse before getting better. It is true. My first two-weeks was worse. I experienced the following side-effects:

• Nausea
• Headaches
• Restless legs
• Tremors
• Dizziness & fatigue, extreme fatigue
• Insomnia

There were times when I was tempted to stop the medications because it doesn’t make me feel good. There was a time when I hated it so much that I want to throw it all away.

AT THE MOMENT

I was prescribed with a 2-week medical leave for my body to adjust with the medications. Eventually my body was able to recuperate & adjust, I can now sleep well and all the side-effects I initially mentioned are now gone. I feel normal and happier. Apparently, the medications release seratonin aka happy hormones. There’s a lot more about the medications that you can google but one thing is for sure – it is not addictive. It is a sedative yes, and it helps me with my sleep but it is and never will be addicting. Addiction tends to make us do bad things to feed it, but it doesn’t. There would be withdrawal symptoms though should you decide to stop the medications abruptly so better consult the doctor and just follow the treatment plan.

Aside from that, I was able to discover and even re-discover new and old passions that really made me fulfilled and happy! I feel that God is near to me, more than ever, during this season – He sent me a good doctor, provision for medications, a very supportive family & spouse who really help with whatever I need during this time, my officemates, my workplace & (most importantly) my boss, and a lot much more. I am really beyond grateful that God directed me in this path.

Guided Journaling

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Re-telling our stories especially those bad ones, no matter how painful they are, helps us with the healing process.

That is why counseling is therapeutic the same way journaling is. We can name our feelings better when there is someone who can listen and help us process an event and the emotions associated with it.

Journaling, on the other hand, helps us in organizing our thoughts and feelings in such a way that we can also process them on our own.

A lot of times we try to AVOID and DISMISS our emotions because we were raised to believe that we should be thinking logically at all times and that being emotional is a sign of weakness or immaturity.

Not everyone knows that our brains become fully developed only at the age of 25. This explains all of our misfortunes and wrong decisions while growing up. Unfortunately, emotions that are regularly swept under the rug and not processed properly can bottle up and can eventually cause depression.

Sensory Activities at Home

Here are some sensory activities that you can do at home. These doesn’t require much expense and are very easy to implement!

1. Sorting with a Twist

A sorting toy is one of the basics on every child’s toy list. To make it more challenging, wrap each item with a paper or a foil so your child can remove it first before putting the toy in the sorter. They will enjoy the added obstacle!

Options are colored paper or foil.

2. Flour Paint

This one is so easy to make! Just add enough water to the flour to achieve a paste-like consistency. Then add a food coloring of your choice!

Note: This can be super messy once dry. But it’s worth it.

3. No-Cook Play Dough

And yes, no cream of tartar needed too. Just slowly mix 1 cup of water to 1 cup of flour & 1/2 cup salt. Knead as you would a dough. Add food coloring as you knead! It it becomes dry, add a small amount of water for moisture. If it becomes too sticky, add a pinch of flour.

It can harden like a rock when left unused in open air.

4. Pasta!

This is my go-to activity when I’m running out of ideas and if I need to leave Pierce with some quiet time. Buy different types of pasta for variety, preferably: macaroni, penne, fusilli and the likes. Add a twist by coloring them using vinegar and food coloring. Why vinegar? Because it doesn’t expand the pasta unlike water. Let your child play with it using kitchen utensils.

Just use a small amount of vinegar enough to give the pasta some color.

5. Paper Cut-outs

First, pick a theme. It could be something from his favorite book or from the Bible. Then print corresponding cut outs for that theme. I make my own sometimes using colored papers (e.g. clouds, shapes). If the drawing is a bit complicated, I google and print. You can use craft materials too for texture (e.g. googly eyes, cotton balls, yarn). Let the child do the pasting with your help.

6. Piggy bank

This is my favorite because it requires no preparation and less effort. Just throw in a couple of loose change then let your child put them in the “piggy bank” (or any coin bank). You can also buy fake coins as an alternative. This can make him quiet for…. 5 minutes.

I hope you could use some of these activities to foster sensory learning that would further enhance the speech of your child.

Motherhood

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One of the many things I struggled with as a parent during ECQ is guilt. I feel so guilty for not giving enough attention to Vrael since Pierce needed more focus due to his developmental delay. It was my doctor who noticed my children’s behavior – how they are so sweet to me. They always kiss and hug me in spite of my having this notion of myself that I’m a bad and worthless mom.

She told me that our children’s behavior towards us tells so much about how good (or bad) we are to them. Luckily, their positive demeanor aka clingy-ness, although sometimes annoying, shows that I am doing something good to them. So maybe my guilt is something that I just imagined.

Depression tends to make us see things negatively and if left untreated it would eventually consume us. When confronted with anxiety find proof of truth. In my example, when I’m confronted with the thought that I am a bad and worthless mom, I need to ask myself — Do my children think I am bad? Does their behavior towards me suggests that I am bad? Conquer negative thoughts by confronting the lie with the truth.

Journal

Our corporate doctor encouraged me to write journals so my thoughts would be organized when I come back to my attending physician for follow-up. I’m the loquacious type and journaling at this point in time might be overwhelming for me. I feel like i don’t have enough time to write 1-2 paragraphs about my feelings even if I want to. 😬 For the sake of tracking I’m making it short and sweet. I track my:

✔️ Sleep and wake up time
✔️ Feelings
✔️ Physical symptoms (eg head aches, nausea)
✔️ Accomplishments for day

I found out that my average sleeping duration is 6 hours and my maximum hour is 10 (on Fridays). Anything else I missed?