Disclaimer: Trigger warning. Please read with caution.
It was 4 o’clock in the afternoon. I’m already tired for working since 4 am, doing chores, and taking care of the children in between. I was in a middle of something when my eldest started bothering me to do something for him. Out of the blue I just blurted out “I want to die”! Tears came running down my face when I face back my computer to work. That night, I had a vision of hanging myself. The next day, a similar thing happened but I didn’t shout, I just cried in front of my laptop staring at it with an empty and hopeless heart. At this point, I already knew that I needed help – something, someone. But he/she needs to be more than just a friend because I don’t need to just rant – I need real help.
I reached out to my boss, who is also a Christian. I know by personal experience, that she’s one who can be trusted because even before being her direct report, we already shared some non-work fellowship. I might have been unconsciously in this state for so long but I’ve never really reached out for help because I don’t want to be judged and be a burden (especially during this time when everyone is facing battles of their own). However, I find that having suicidal thoughts is absurd and at the same time, scary. I don’t want to die and to be clear, I didn’t consciously thought of the idea. It just popped out of my mind probably after severe exhaustion. Thinking of death or hurting myself didn’t happen once, it happened on several occasions (especially during the quarantine) only with different graphic images – e.g. stabbing my arms with a needle.
Belle, who is my boss, first validated my feelings before helping me explore several options. She is a godsend for just being there and helping me get help. She didn’t judge me and I really appreciate her doing that. Our options that time were reaching out to HR and to a Psychiatrist. I chose option 2 but we also made sure that HR is aware so they can extend whatever help is available on a corporate standpoint.
DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENT
I was both anxious and excited for my appointment. I was anxious because I know that when I take this path, there is no turning back. Aside from the high professional fees, I am anxious for whatever the diagnosis will be. I am excited because I can finally know what’s going on with me and I can finally be treated accordingly. Someone who knows better than me can help me go through the process with a high success rate. I thought of this as an investment for myself and a help from God.
WHAT’S GOING ON IN MY MIND
A day before my appointment, I tried my best to organize my thoughts by writing them down so I can maximize my time with my doctor because it is not cheap. Anyway, these were my thoughts that time:
• I struggled so hard to keep up with work, chores, parenting and marriage. It feels like I’m all over the places but is not really there.
• I hated being touched. It made me anxious. I cannot respond well to my husband emotionally and physically.
• I hated myself (self-loathing) for being (or feeling like) a failure to my children, my job, my husband and myself.
• I had a lot of unexplainable body pains that wasn’t there before: headaches, back pain, irregular periods etc.
• I felt like there’s a lump in my throat that never goes away. My back was always hunched and I can’t seem to find the energy to do things that I used to enjoy.
• I was afraid to sleep because I worry that I might not be able to finish my tasks.
• Though I smile on photos, I was always sad & worried deep within. It is true that depression has no face.
• I had suicidal thoughts.
I didn’t give the doctor a hard time figuring out what was wrong with me. After telling all of my struggles, I was then diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. I was prescribed with 2 medications – Vortioxetine and Aripiprazole that I have to take for 6 months. I felt happy and sad at the same time – happy because finally I am getting help, sad because I would need to go through this especially that the medications have a lot of side effects.
FIRST 2 WEEKS
They say that when you take anti-depressants, you first get worse before getting better. It is true. My first two-weeks was worse. I experienced the following side-effects:
• Nausea
• Headaches
• Restless legs
• Tremors
• Dizziness & fatigue, extreme fatigue
• Insomnia
There were times when I was tempted to stop the medications because it doesn’t make me feel good. There was a time when I hated it so much that I want to throw it all away.
AT THE MOMENT
I was prescribed with a 2-week medical leave for my body to adjust with the medications. Eventually my body was able to recuperate & adjust, I can now sleep well and all the side-effects I initially mentioned are now gone. I feel normal and happier. Apparently, the medications release seratonin aka happy hormones. There’s a lot more about the medications that you can google but one thing is for sure – it is not addictive. It is a sedative yes, and it helps me with my sleep but it is and never will be addicting. Addiction tends to make us do bad things to feed it, but it doesn’t. There would be withdrawal symptoms though should you decide to stop the medications abruptly so better consult the doctor and just follow the treatment plan.
Aside from that, I was able to discover and even re-discover new and old passions that really made me fulfilled and happy! I feel that God is near to me, more than ever, during this season – He sent me a good doctor, provision for medications, a very supportive family & spouse who really help with whatever I need during this time, my officemates, my workplace & (most importantly) my boss, and a lot much more. I am really beyond grateful that God directed me in this path.
Bernadette Cruz 